I'm feeling much better now.
thanks Diana, Jesslyn & Jingwen.

anyway, I'm sorry Jesslyn.
for screaming at you yesterday at th bus stop.
when you asked me what happened.
& your thumbs are all filled with my tears yesterday.
I'm very sorry.

To that someone, you know who you are.
you claimed that it's becuase you don't want me to cry/be angry/be sad.
& thats th reason why you don't wanna tell me those things.
but did you know that, I won't cry as much as how I did yesterday if you told me what happened earlier/tell me what happened yourself?
why can't you just tell me in th first place?
why must you always let me find out what happened myself?
why must you always wait till some other people tell me what actually happened?
why why why?
someone told me it's because you don't wanna make me feel sad.
but we're like friends for how long already?
you still don't know th fact that I will cry more if I find it out myself?

you claimed that I'm more important to you than her.
but look at what you're always doing.
your acts, your everything.
just proves that shes more important than me.
actions speaks louder than words.
no use saying when your actions are facing towards th opposite way.
I'm not saying that I want to be more important than her.
in th first place you're th one who said it.
& if you cannot do it, then what for say it?
emppty promises/whatever you call it will only hurt me even more.
if in th first place you didn't say it, I wouldn't cry as much as how I did yesterday.

if you really mean it. if you really find me more important.
& your actions still doesn't prove it.
then I think you should just say that she is more important to me.
because your actions, your everything wants you to think that way.
then so be it.

you know that we're meeting yesterday already.
then why cant you just change your mother fucking theme back first?
why must you let me see th theme?
why cant you just change it back first?
& why even bother to change back after realising that I've cried because of that reason?
why even bother to change after I cry?
when you didn't even bother in th first place?
look at your actions, & ask yourself again.
who is more important?

I try not to spoil everyone's mood yesterday.
I've tried my best not to breakdown infront of everyone.
I know at last I did, but I did outside.
I don't want them to see me crying, I don't wanna spoil th happy mood.
because I care for them & obviously you.
but did you even bother to care for me?
you can care for me by just changing back to your previous theme, it's as easy as that.
but did you even bother to do it?

when I was crying under th blanket,
Jesslyn asked what happened, & passed me a tissue.
Ahtay came & see whetehr I'm crying anot.
Kimseng also asked me not to be like that, not to be emo.
Yanlin & Leonard also ask me whether I'm alright.
but I don't even care about what they did.
because it's useless. no matter what they do, I'll still remain th same & cry.

what I want is just a 'you okay anot?/what happened?/why you crying?' from you.
& I'll smile back, I'll be very contented already.
but did you? just these few words could make me smile again.
but did you even bother to do it?
NO. because you're busying messaging her.

I didn't sleep th whole night, becasue I was busy crying.
I even threw th barney out of my room.
because when I look at it, I will think of you, & cry even more.
I cry because I ximtia.
I cry because I don't wanna lose you.
I cry because you're my bestest friend.
I cry because you're important to me.
yes, I can say that you're important to me.
because my actions proves it.

when I quarrel with Diana/Jacyln, I don't even give a fuck about them.
because they understand me, they will come & talk to me again themselves.
but every single time when I quarrel with you, I will never fail to cry.
because you won't come & talk to me.
& thats why I'll cry, cry & cry.
because you're th most important to me.
but look at th way you treat me.
you always compare my height with other people.
it really pisses me off but I'll always tolerate with it.
when Weekian/Amaran/Ahtay say I'm short, I'll be angry with them.
thats why Amaran always say I'm tall now.
althought I know it's not true.
but I know it's because he know that I'll be angry if he claims that I'm short.
Ahtay also, he will just say 'okok, you very tall'
& I'll be smiling again.

but you? did I ever get angry with you?
even if i get angry, just 5 minutes later, I'll be smiling again.
th reason I smile is not because you say 'okok, you very tall' or what ever shit.
because you will just heck care me/walk away.
it's because I choose not to be angry with you.
I KNOW I'M SHORT, BUT WHAT CAN I DO.
mother fuck.

I know you're reading all this.
READ IT AGAIN & AGAIN.
then ask yourself, whether you really treat me as someone more important than her.
yeah, treat, not say.
no use saying when your actions doesn't proves it.

Ahtay told me that you won't talk to me now unless I talk to you.
let me tell you this.
I'm th same.
I won't talk to you unless you come & talk to you.
perhaps I should not even bother to talk back to you.
or if you patch back with her, or perhaps already patched up,
she will start saying that I hold on to you & all those mother fuck shit again.

I know some people will say that I'm talking cock again.